You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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