I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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