My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
