I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize