I am puke
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
