Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
