it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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