all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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