I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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