apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
