just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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