im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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