Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
