I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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