Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
