I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
