I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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