is your mom at the bar?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
