I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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