turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't turn off my feet"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
