Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
