I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize