I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
