my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
