Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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