May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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