I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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