i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just gift wrapped bread.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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