Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
