Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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