I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
