It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
