i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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