You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
