my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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