omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
