I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
