Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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