This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
