Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
