You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
