never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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