mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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