Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
