so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
