I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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