I'm eating all of the evidence.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
