The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize