everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
me + whiskey = a bad person
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize