I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
