Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
