Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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