There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
