So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
