walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize