allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
