There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
