Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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