ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
