I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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