did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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