I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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