med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
