Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
this is an emotional support booty call
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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