What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
